thoughts.

i am confused at times, asking myself how long i will stay. my dream life span here just seems to get shorter and shorter each time i ask myself. there are many contributing factors yet none is strong enough to make me leave at the moment. seeing many people throwing in letters doesn't help at all, esp when these are people i have worked late nights with. i came here wanting to leave 2 pointers as reminders to myself.

(1) do not let first impression or general sentiments form judgement of a person. understand the person more before setting a conclusion.
(2) the moment you leave is the moment you think you have learnt enough

these pointers struck me while i chitchat with my senior. i once feared working under her as she is known to be very detailed and work late nights, naturally general expectations are late nights for her juniors. yet on one occassion, she surprised me and opened up, chatting and sharing her experiences with me during work hours. this allow me to understand her better and improve the working relationship.

her experiences swayed me more towards staying where i am. i am aware of the future benefits of staying and gaining experience in the industry i am in. it opens up many doors and increase employability. more importantly which brings to the second pointer is, it teaches me so fast that i can't think of anywhere that teaches at this rate. many times, we have been thrown tasks which are totally new and forced to learn within a very short time to meet deadlines. i am pretty sure i have not wasted most days on the job. i am not complaining as this is within expectations when i signed the contract, in fact this is the reason why i signed.

of course, all these come with drawbacks. more frequent headaches have surfaced from a previously no headache records which is naturally a sign of worry and a sign of putting too much pressure on the thinking cap. this drawback alone is worrying. another factor to consider is how long can i motivate myself. there is a limit to our level of drive. being fresh grads, we tend to be fresh and work hard but will this level of motivation keep up in the journey of work. there will be a time when we are tired and less motivated and i wonder if this industry will tire us out faster.

on a side note, despite knowing my seniors will not read this post. thank you for guiding me so far and especially to my first engagement senior who gave me leeway to make mistakes and not penalizing me for it.

how i wish the long weekend would not end in 3 days...i can't wait for a holiday!!

looking forward to june's short trip to indonesia to explore! when i told my parents i am going indonesia, they jumped and lectured me quite hard, totally refusing to listen to any explanation for going there. i think i am probably the most problematic child at home, always causing worry by travelling to places they would not expect gers to go. trekking and now indonesia. nonetheless, i guess they are used to it. initially i had concerns about travelling to indonesia with no one understanding the language. furthermore, none of us have been there before. despite reading up on travel blogs and guidebooks, there is just so little information that the itinerary seems a bit hard to put together.

northern sumatra-the place with border clashes and volcanos. lake toba, the volcano that erupted millions of years ago to create a lake will be where i am going. excited to see the tribes and lifestyle there, excited to see waterfall once again. will i muster enough courage to climb volcanos? i hope i get to climb just a small one! *smilez* maybe i get to see president obama there during his social visit to indonesia? dreaming...

on a side note. the ocbc 3M will soon be disbanded. much as i was sad to see my buddy tendered, i am happy for her. the emails of complains, the late nights and dinner. soon, there will only be 2 of us left to grumble to each other. soon, the 3M team, my source of motivation on the job is reduced. seeing more and more friends leaving is really demoralizing.

In a bid to delay time in starting work this lazy sat morning, i decided to spend some time relating my experiences on this blog. this blog seems more like a place to deposit some of my memories along the way, memories i know would not be remembered if i do not write them down. simply because these are just simple things in daily life.

always a believer that each day should be full of experiences and memories. though frankly i do not think i have the energy to maximise each day, at least i tried. currently on another big first-yr engagement with exactly half the team of ppl from my previous engagement. seriously i am wondering if this is a blessing or a headache since that the ppl i get to work with in office is seriously limited and goes just around in a circle unlike others who get to meet many seniors. in addition, these seniors are not the easiest ppl to work with since our workload is possibly tripled from the lack of manpower.

this week was a week full of meetings, a week that i had to arrange and keep track of meetings, attend meetings and take minutes on top of work tasked upon me. usually this means i only have time to do my work by bringing them home to do. how can the seniors expect us to finish interims entirely for this big client with 13subsidaries all within 3 weeks with only a team strength of 6ppl and only 3ppl documenting. on top of which, this client has a rather complex system that i remembered having a 2.5hrs worth of journal entries just to understand how the client numbers finally flow to the financial statements. by the end of the 2.5hrs, i was so exhausted, my mind in a whirl and hair in a mess that my seniors who saw me laughed at how pathetically i looked. they pitied the juniors so much that they called it a day by the end of the day's meeting at 7pm, but still only giving me till the next day afternoon to digest and document to entire process. in conclusion, it was just quite a long tiring week. zzz next week may be going pulau ubin which is so far away...! whines next week will have another schedules of meetings. i think we really need to call sos.

alrights, despite ranting, it is time to start work now :)

i miss some friends, in fact, i miss most of my friends that i used to hang out with. somehow it feels like a long time since i had gathering. work is really very different where time outside work is precious. all i do now is reminize upon those photos on facebook at 12midnight when i decided work is enough for today and i need a break.

i think it is time to get my life back.

i never thought it is possible to grab any soft toys from the pickup machine in archades, till little daydream carebear on the right was grabbed on a first time try for only $1.10! yippy! now my harmony carebear has company :) *smilez* though i am not someone who likes to play archade, it sure brightened up my day!
i have been officially out of my long engagement, at least till june. when i knew about it, i did not know whether to be relieved or upset. initially, i doubted myself and thought that i was pulled out a month earlier than planned possibly because i was not performing well. then, i was demoralized quite badly especially since the last few weeks on the job wasn't the best weeks. i made a couple of mistakes and remembered being scolded at 2am in the morning. the feeling really sucks, though it wasn't entirely my fault, i still felt incompetent despite reassurances from certain seniors. on a consolation note to myself, at least the team is pulling others out as well and my senior reassured me, i wasn't pulled out as a result of the mistakes i made.

nonetheless, at least i was given the opportunity to learn ba. still a long way go to learn about audit. despite the days i have worked past midnight or walked till the morning, surprisingly i am still alright. thankfully for the G2s around who are really always around to rant to each other.

i think one of my main takeaway from jan till now is to always always bear in mind CEAVO, even for cross-ref of financial statements. at least, i am still positive about the job and do not really drag myself to work in the morning though there are days i am really exhausted. but so far the weekends are well rested and i am ready for the week, enough to last for a while. for me, food and sleep are my energy power bars!

on a side note, while i was on my new engagement at changi, my senior signed for the standard chartered supersaver and tata! we get the gifts below. it was a huge takeaway, especially for someone who just sat there. my senior signed up because she was attracted by the piggy bank. the sales personnel offered to give her another 2 soft toys. After going back to the client's office, we realized the toys were a bit torn and went to exchange. who knows, the sales personnel offered to give another set of soft toys for me! wahaha, so i have a pair of ice age characters too!

On a side note, i like the photo below! cheeky naughty grin. this was taken during our museum free admission to egypt exhibit and the super long queue!

on impulse, i decided to watch carebears movie. from the simple show, there was this simple song that inspired me on days that i am moody.

I Know your thinking that nobody Cares

You've got some feelings you don't want to share
But If your troubles stay all stuck inside
They are going to grow till they are too big to hide

I know you are trying to steer so clear of friends
You've had a few that have left you in the end
I gotta tell you it ain't always so

Somebody loves you who Anita gonna go
So follow me and let me take you there
If you think nobody cares
Nobody cares
Nobody cares like a bear
You'll need a friend to get a big job done
I guess sometimes two heads are better than one
You'll need friend to let your feelings free
Sure could use someone to talk to me
So make a friend and let me take you there

When you think nobody cares
Nobody cares
Nobody cares like a bear
So don't go sticking by your own sweet self
You gotta take a chance on someone else
That's what its all about being friends
And take a chance on loving again

there are times of childishness in the midst of being 22 but these childhood dreams of clinging on to hopes should never die. When i was young, i never think much about carebears but now i realize the meaning behind each carebear but always know there are people around you who cares.

Goodbye cow year!
I hope this brings the end to the unhappiness of the year especially towards the end. *smilez* despite all, i still want the memories and happiness of the year to be imprinted. let go of the lessons and unhappiness learnt :) :)
Hello tiger year! *smilez* let this be a start to a good year!

it was amazing how a pot of hisbicous turned my day around in smiles. amazing. yeah i love flowers but i do not believe in getting roses on vday cos it is just not worth it. how about hisbicious flowers. they are colouful, beautiful and really captivating. i love them.

this week.

i came home today, disheartened and demoralized almost everyday. but after chatting everything out, i am feeling slightly better and finally looking forward to 4 days of cny.

what is left in my mind is to clear up the following during the next four days:
(1) the purpose of audit, because my purpose has been shaken since the events through the week.
(2) the purpose of my career. i need to seriously sit down and think this time.
(3) enjoy myself

"no one is the leave unless cue is given by the manager" - this was how i live my week.